“how to wash your jazz hands” 🤣 👐 https://t.co/W59St6MkUy
— Frankie (@Francesca1000) March 11, 2020
My dears! I’m self-isolating. Yes, even through the latex layers of my protective mask-shield the clever little virus managed to submerge itself into my pores. Typical. No more nights out for me in Soho, no more loitering around Hampstead Heath to watch the moon(ers), and no more press nights. It’s just me, my mountain of Dom Perignon, and my Lloyd Webber glove puppet (I’m currently fingering him to stop postponing Cinderella. If he does it again, I’m going to ask Jim Davidson to do it instead. Sinderella. Enough to make anyone want to stay indoors, dear).
Yes, it’s a rather worrying time. People are panic-buying all the essentials – only the other day I couldn’t get my usual mid-week supply of Durex, chocolate, and Vaseline. My Miss Saigon blow-up doll was most upset.
Anyhow. On to the matter at hand – jazz hands – and how to wash them! Now, as you know, the main piece of advice the panto character ‘Buttons’ Boris has given us is to wash our hands (I wish he’d take his own advice and do the same to his bloody hair). Anyhow, this little act is apparently the most effective thing we can do, so I’m going to tell you the best way of doing it.
We’ve been told to sing ‘happy birthday’ for 20 seconds while washing our jazz hands. But I’m bored of that now. And besides, it’s not my birthday. So, I propose we sing much more entertaining things – like musical theatre songs. Try the first verse of these classic gems:
Stars: “There, out in the darkness, another nose running…”
South Pacific: “I’m gonna wash that germ right out of my hand (x3), and send him on his way.”
The Lion King: “Hak-rona-virus, what a terrible phrase. Hak-rona-virus – it’s a passing phase (I hope)…”
Beauty and the Beast: “Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Sneeze”
How could you not look forward to washing your hands with those witty songs, hey? The next question is what to do at the theatre.
Cover yourself with a Durex XXL condom. This will protect you from coronavirus as well as those nasty STI’s that actors have
Well, firstly, you should be sure you’re protected. Cover yourself with a Durex XXL condom at all times. This will protect you not only from coronavirus, but also from those nasty STI’s that actors have.
Secondly, be sure to book five seats for yourself – and sit in the middle – so that you’re not seated directly next to any possible ‘carriers’. This also has the added bonus of allowing you to lay down and sleep if the show has too many boring speeches.
Now, this final measure is extreme, but important. In the event of an audience member coughing, the show must immediately stop and everyone must submerge the offender with anti-bacterial wash. Then the whole audience and acting company must self-isolate in the theatre for two weeks. But don’t be alarmed. Theatres are prepared for this kind of emergency, we’ve ensured that they all have a two-week supply of overpriced ice cream.
And that’s it. So keep safe, wash your jazz hands frequently, sing your favourite musical melody, and keep calm and carry on, dear.
Coronavirus: Government announces further measures to support theatres following closures