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Diary: Will Albert Hall Klingon to any publicity stunt?

Box office staff at the Royal Albert Hall Box office staff at the Royal Albert Hall
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In June, the Royal Albert Hall will host two Star Trek concerts as part of their Festival of Science series and has been offering free tickets to anyone who orders them in Klingon.

So far, so simple. But wait! How would staff at the Hall know if anyone vying for free tickets is genuinely speaking Klingon?

There could only be one possible solution. Call time on this ridiculous competition, Tabard hears you cry. No, silly. The answer is to get the Albert Hall box office staff to learn the language. Of course!

That sounds like a good use of time. Lucy Noble, artistic director at the Royal Albert Hall, said: “I think the box office probably thought I was joking when we asked them to take Klingon lessons. But now they are chatting regularly in Klingon, I think they realise it’s an essential life skill that all should learn.”

An essential life skill? Tabard would argue that essential life skills might include decision making, problem solving, empathy. But sure, let’s add speaking Klingon to that too.

According to the venue, Klingon expert Alex Greene has helped the staff learn the language.

Not Holvam Qatlh charghchu’laH QuchDu’ Hab ghajbogh Humanpu’vetlh, ’ach jInmolvam quvvaD, tlhIngan Hol lughojmeH Humanpu’, vItIv.

So what did expert Greene have to say on the matter? “Not Holvam Qatlh charghchu’laH QuchDu’ Hab ghajbogh Humanpu’vetlh, ’ach jInmolvam quvvaD, tlhIngan Hol lughojmeH Humanpu’, vItIv.”

And if you don’t know what that means, a) shame on you and, b) Tabard can tell you. “These simple humans with their smooth foreheads will never fully master my complex language, but I’m happy to help them learn enough to run their silly project.”

Silly project? Never.

Send stories to tabard@thestage.co.uk

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