Both are to blame. We need extra revenue from selling overpriced sweets, and tacky tourists need the sugar to keep them awake during dreary mid-week matinees (particularly when watching plays by Tom Stoppard, dear).
Sweets are as important as the interval ice-cream, or the pre-show bottle of fizz. Yes, they can be noisy buggers and upstage the mumbling actors on stage, but nothing pleases me more than sucking on a Parma Violet and staring at the good-looking actors in front of me. I find it hugely satisfying. And so does everyone else. I agree – sometimes the sweet wrappers can be as annoying as Amanda Holden, but it all adds to the joy of the experience.
After we get out of this current paramedic (it sounds less serious when I call it that), I shall be relying on the extra dollar my theatre sweets bring in. Yes, some will criticise, some will shout and some will even walnut whip, but now more than ever I need your money for my shows. These lovely little sugar-gasms will fill you with much-needed joy, and me with much-needed cash.
So, I’m going to sell sweets at £15 a pack – which isn’t all that bad when you consider you get at least 15 sweets – so that’s only a quid each. Cheap as chips (well, sweets).
This decision was not taken easily. I spent many hours in Zoom meetings with Sammy Mendes, and he said sweets are the only way. Of course, he is the perfect consultant, having directed Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (he tells me he’ll be sending his sweet strategy to the government soon. What a nice bearded boy.)
And even more exciting news – I am doing a new range of sweets, which will be available in a selection of flavours and colours. And for your delectation and pleasure, here is a sneak peak:
• Boris balls: lovely little chocolate balls are tasty and delicious – and named after Boris because, like him, they are hollow inside.
• Dominic’s Durham Castle fudge: I got a car load of this brought back for me by my stagehand Dominic (but God knows how he drove because he has terrible eyesight).
• The Matt Handoncock: these naughty treats are for the hen dos, perfect at productions of Mamma Mia!. Little minty pieces in the shape of a male masterpiece. Every sweet will be modelled on the weenies of your favourite West End performers.
• Gove gobstoppers: these bland balls of boredom will last the entire duration of the show, and, just like Michael Gove, you’ll wish they disappeared a lot quicker.
• Trump Twinkie – delicious Twinkies with the president’s certified, extra special ingredient: disinfectant.
I look forward to seeing you all indulging in my new confectionary range very soon, dear.