Get our free email newsletter with just one click

Dear West End Producer: ‘In the musical of Brexit, which actor would you cast to play Boris Johnson?’

Boris Johnson, launching the #BackBusking campaign, while he was Mayor of London in 2014. Photo: Kois Miah
by -

I believe the musical of Brexit was done a couple of years ago at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, but it’s high time for a return. Now it can be: “Brexit… three years on. More Brexit. And still no Brexit. I hope there won’t be a Brexit. Shit, Boris will make sure there’s a Brexit!” Catchy title, don’t you think?

If I’m honest, I dread to think who would play Boris Johnson – and feel rather sorry for whoever is cast. I imagine the first person they’ll contact is Bendydick Cumberpatch – he seems to be offered every role going at the moment. Obviously, Bendydick will have to commit fully to the role by eating lots of Heck sausages and wearing a lovely blonde mess of a wig – but his plummy posh accent is bang on the money.

However, I’d find a newcomer. Someone who could bring something new to the role. I’d start the initial auditions with the actors doing a movement piece around a bus that has a big lie plastered on it. The choreography would encapsulate a desperate Boris reaching out to the public – enticing them in with greasy hands and the odd step-ball-change. It would be his ‘reviewing the situation’ moment.

Diary: Boris Johnson domestic row – we have all the answers (apparently)

Then I’d have to cut half of the auditionees – and keep those who I thought could ride a Boris bike with confidence. This would involve being flown in the air – while singing Defying Gravity – only to have gravity defy them, causing them to get stuck on zip wires mid-flight with a cycle helmet on while clutching a handful of Union Jacks. This would also become the iconic image used on all flyers, posters and toilet paper.

If they succeeded, they would be asked to ride the bike again – but this time with the stabilisers removed. Yes, a dangerous and bold move, but one I’m sure Boris aims to reach – so he can cycle into Number 10 looking like a real adult.

The fourth stage of auditions would involve the auditionees showing how good they are at vital skills, as they project their voices as loudly as possible. It is essential that potential Borises have booming voices – so they can play the “neighbours overhearing me arguing with my girlfriend” scene with conviction. This bit of drama will be the climax to the first half – resulting in Boris lunging downstage centre.

And of course, the final auditions would be a rather creative affair – with actors making models of London buses out of cardboard boxes. These would also make nice pieces of show merchandise that could be sold front of house – available to purchase using any currency except Euros.

So, in answer to your question: only one man has the necessary skills to play a man who is making our country look like a total farce – and that’s Boris Johnson himself. No one else has quite the dedication to, craft of and technique in self-promotion and idiocy. I just hope his Equity subscription is up to date, dear.

Now we just need to cast his lover, Donald Trump.

This week’s question was submitted by @PippaBeckwith.

Send questions to your dear agony aunt via Twitter @westendproducer. Read more of West End Producer’s weekly advice columns every Wednesday at thestage.co.uk/author/westendproducer

Dear West End Producer: ‘Could Boris Johnson develop a sideline as a pantomime dame?’

We need your help…

When you subscribe to The Stage, you’re investing in our journalism. And our journalism is invested in supporting theatre and the performing arts.

The Stage is a family business, operated by the same family since we were founded in 1880. We do not receive government funding. We are not owned by a large corporation. Our editorial is not dictated by ticket sales.

We are fully independent, but this means we rely on revenue from readers to survive.

Help us continue to report on great work across the UK, champion new talent and keep up our investigative journalism that holds the powerful to account. Your subscription helps ensure our journalism can continue.