Square Eyes 5-7 September

Harry and Paul (Friday 9pm, BBC1)

A return for Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse in a second run of brand new character sketch comedy, although the title Ruddy Hell! It’s Harry and Paul has been slimmed down to the rather dull Harry and Paul. Still, there’s some good stuff in here, as in the first series, although nothing is quite as memorable as the duo’s earlier work together. Characters from the last series return (the Posh Scaffolders and the I Saw You Coming antique shop owner), and among the new turns are Clarence and Henry, the OAP DJs. Worth a look, definitely, but like most sketch comedy the overall quality is up and down.

The Tudors (Friday 9pm, BBC2)

There’s lots going on this week in my favourite viewing highlight, not least of all Sir Thomas Cromwell’s campaign against the Catholics gaining more momentum as he spreads panic and rumour, which the Pope (Peter O’Toole) is not happy about. At all. Anne is still getting right up Henry’s royal nose, and he’s still plagued by dreams of the late Thomas More, which seems a little churlish considering his Royal Highness was happy enough to lop his head off in the first place.

Ugly Betty (Friday 9pm, C4)

A very welcome return for Ugly Betty to restore some sanity to Channel 4’s Friday night schedule as Big Brother prepares to take its bow for another year (and breathe…). We’re still in season two (previously curtailed thanks to the US writer’s strike), and Betty is in full campaigning mode to get Daniel to feature some “healthy” models in a special shoot for the magazine, rather than the twig-thin waifs that usually get snapped in Mode’s glossy pages. Pithy and witty as ever, it’s good to have Betty back.

Big Brother Finale (Friday 10pm, C4)

Oh whatever.

Paralympics 2008: Opening Ceremony (Saturday 12.50pm, BBC1)

Back to Beijing for more amazing feats in the name of sports as the 13th Paralympics gets underway, once again direct from the Bird’s Nest Stadium. While I’m sure we’re not expecting the same spectacular sights that launched the Olympics a few weeks ago, but let’s not underestimate just what the Chinese hosts can pull off - Sebastian Coe should probably still be very, very afraid.

The X Factor (Saturday 6.50pm, ITV1)

The X Factor juggernaut reaches Scotland this week, and already we’ve established a set pattern for proceedings. Louis will smirk like a naughty schoolboy, Cheryl will cry (aww, bless), Simon will roll his eyes a lot and Dannii’s face will move not one inch throughout the show. And it’s this from now until Christmas… give me strength. Still, it’s like Pot Noodle - we know we shouldn’t, but we just can’t help ourselves.

Eurovision Dance Contest (Saturday 8pm, BBC1)

With the new series of Strictly Come Dancing imminent, limber up your Lambadas (or something) with the Eurovision Dance Contest. Graham Norton and Claudia Winkleman are our guides through the show, which sees one-time Strictly contestant Louisa Lytton (off of The Bill) and her dance partner Vincent Simone compete on behalf of the UK. There’s likely to be some great talent on display, but it would be naïve to think that this won’t descend into politically biased voting by the time we reach the end. Time will tell.

Joanna Lumley in the Land of the Northern Lights (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

A rather lovely travelogue that sees the ever-glamorous (even in a parka) Joanna Lumley heading off on a journey to fulfil a childhood dream - to see the Northern Lights. For somebody who grew up in Malaysia, the snow, ice and cold held much mystique for the young Lumley, especially when brought to life in the pages of a treasured child’s storybook. Stunning landscapes abound in a beautifully shot piece of work that will no doubt look fantastic if you’re watching in HD.

Charley Boorman: Ireland to Sydney By Any Means (Sunday 8pm, BBC2)

Sans his more famous buddy Ewan McGregor, Charley Boorman heads off on another round-world trip, and as the title suggests, he’s heading to Sydney from his home in Wicklow. No bikes this time - the twist on this trip is that he has to get around on any form of local transport he can utilise and avoid, where possible, commercial airlines. Enjoyable, yes, but isn’t it time Boorman went out to get a proper job?

Spooks: Code 9 (Sunday 9pm, BBC3)

It’s the final episode of the not-really-spin-off from Spooks concerning a group of young MI5 operatives in a Britain following a nuclear attack. I’ll put my cards on the table - I thought this got off to an atrocious start - I’d honestly rather have watched an episode of Scooby Doo… or Bonekickers. But as the weeks have gone on, things started to come together to the point where last week’s episode was almost very good indeed. And this closer is a rather tense affair as the team return to the ruins of London to root out the traitor ahead of a another suspected attack on Memorial Day. I hope there’s a second series to build on the confidence of the later episodes.