The Stage

Staying shipshape - Cruising Supplement

Published Monday 6 June 2005 at 10:25 by Mark Ritchie

Cruise work is competitive and demanding. Not only do artists have to fit the specifications of the bookers in terms of presentation and performance, once on board they have to remain on duty throughout, discovers Mark Ritchie

Those involved in review work for this publication can usually spot those cabaret performers well versed in what is required - in terms of content and approach - for a life on the ocean wave.

The simple fact of the matter is that cruise line cabaret entertainers have a certain look. Female vocalists will usually share similar dress sizes, comedians will be inoffensive and either dry and delivery-conscious or jolly and expansive. Musicians will always be dressed to the nines.

With that in mind, those who know the score on the cruise scene have grasped exactly what the booking executives are looking for and go out of their way to please. Those whose work mainly consists of social club engagements have to work hard for their money, and it is claimed by those in the know that many of them lack the subtlety and the prerequisite of versatility that seems to be required to break into the cruise scene.

Often lacking light and shade, many of those not versed in cruise ship presentation, it is claimed, often force the issue too quickly when they showcase in front of the bookers, and as a result seldom receive the opportunity to sniff the sea air.

A small number of professional entertainers I spoke to recently groaned noticeably when I asked them to regale me with their experiences on cruise ships.

One well-known comedian said he had been offered and accepted cruise work with a famous company and the shows had gone very well. However, when asked to make further trips the following year, he turned down the opportunity. “Getting paid to appear in such lovely surroundings and to visit fabulous places was marvellous but I found the whole thing a bit claustrophobic. Being on show the whole time just didn’t suit me. I usually think that when I walk offstage my work is over. But this is not the case on board ship.”

However, some performers are hardly ever on dry land at certain times of the year and seem to simply fit other work into a jigsaw of globe-trotting. The cruise life appears to fit those who eat, sleep and breathe showbusiness and adapt easily to social mixing.

With customers filling in response cards in relation to practically every aspect of their sea-going experience, all cruise entertainment staff have to be well versed at mingling and fitting in with all types and ages of passenger. So apart from stage ability, a good grasp of social graces is high up on the list of requirements.

Knowing the type of comedy required for the cruise market is integral to an agent’s brief. Roger Davis, from the Yorkshire company After Dinner Speakers and Comedians, has been supplying funny people to many of the cruise operators for years.

Davis says: “I suppose that out of all my stable of comedians, Johnnie Casson and Martin Gold would be two who concentrate very heavily on the cruise market. Johnnie works as a guest comedian but is also part of the show on the comedy theme cruises, which feature comedy expert Mike Craig, and, from time to time, guests like Ruth Madoc and Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee.”

Craig is an affable Yorkshireman who worked as a scriptwriter for Morecambe and Wise in their heyday and was a TV and radio producer of repute. His radio career highlight would surely have been his long association with The Grumbleweeds shows. He has published four book on comedy and speaks on the subject - as well as performing his own one-man shows - both on cruises and dry land.

He explains: “I have been cruising for more than 20 years and it’s a good life. One recent trip saw me joining the Fred Olsen ship Braemar in Barbados and then cruising back with Ruth Madoc and Paul Daniels, performing our comedy show.

“My next trip is for P&O on the Aurora, where I will be given the opportunity to lecture on comedy in the 1000-seat theatre. I talk about writing for Eric and Ernie. Everyone asks me about the 1976 Christmas show, which contained the famous Angela Rippon sketch about the newsreader who gets up and dances during the bulletin. I suppose they come in because the older people love the era I talk about.”

Martin Gold is a more recent addition to the roster of cruise comedians. This “cheeky chappie” style of comedian seems to have been around for ever, having started performing in clubs at the age of 16.

Gold now works the big ships and clearly enjoys the life. He comments: “It’s sometimes difficult for younger comedians to get a foothold with some companies as the bookers tend to take their vetting procedures very seriously. There is a mixing and mingling element before and after the shows, which I don’t really mind too much. I like people and tend to mix in very easily. I don’t think it’s just about a 45-minute spot any more. If you want to create a bit of mystique, you have to keep yourself switched on all the time you are on board”.

Newcastle-based cabaret duo Passion have previously worked the ships in other acts. Only recently have they teamed up and headed for the high seas.

Sara Jane and Mike, who make up the act, are honest in their assessment of the way the cruise scene has changed. Sara Jane points out: “It’s definitely a young person’s job these days, or at least for people who are footloose and fancy free. We have worked twice for Fred Olsen recently and enjoyed Iceland last summer, while we had a great time on the world cruise on Black Watch.”

Still on the subject of cabaret duos, Melody Lane have to be one of the most in-demand acts of their kind. Due to its multi-instrumental nature, Roy and Sonia belong to the category of speciality act.

The Doncaster-based twosome fit cruise work in between their family commitments. Sonia explains: “We have two daughters and a son but they are getting older now, so we have been offered nine two-week cruises with Fred Olsen next year, which will be the most time we have actually spent away for a while.

“It’s difficult to fit it all in sometimes but one of the biggest thrills from recent cruise trips was when we in Helsinki and received a call asking us to join the QE2.”

Sonia explained what life was like on the so-called Palladium of cruise liners. “From the act’s point of view we are glad we did it. It’s a great thing to put on your CV. Although many of those on board were very elderly, the cabaret room is wonderful and you just stand there thinking of all the stars who have been there before you.”

When I asked Sonia about life on board, she summed it up succinctly. “The companies that book you need to know that you can socialise and dress well. You really are on duty the whole time you are on board”.

So it is crystal clear that cruising is not just a job, it is more a way of life for some. There are a number of cruise entertainers who are hardly ever at home, while, for the bigger stars who, for one reason or another are not receiving much television exposure, the cruise market provides the kind of prestige work that befits their status.