TV review

Published Monday 12 May 2008 at 15:40 by Harry Venning

“What’s this?” exclaims Sam (Jessalyn Gilsig) looking down in alarm. You’d think, working as she does at the Thames Barrier, that Sam would recognise water when she was wading knee deep through it, but apparently not. However, Sam does at least identify the deluge as a bad sign of worse things to come and, what with that tidal surge heading London’s way, she is doubtless pleased to have ex-husband Rob (Robert Carlyle) on hand to help out.

With an urban Armageddon just around the bend at Docklands, there’s certainly no time for Sam and Rob to rediscover the love they once shared. Or is there?

Meanwhile, Rob’s estranged father Leonard (Tom Courtney) is horrified to see all his apocalyptic weather forecasts coming true. A maverick meteorologist, Leonard has long identified the danger such a conflagration of times, water levels and tempests would pose, but his warnings were dismissed by the scientific community as the rantings of a tidal bore. Now Whitehall recognises Leonard as the capital’s only hope of survival. With government statisticians predicting civilian casualties of 200,000, surely there won’t be any opportunity for reconciliation between Leonard and his son. Or will there?

Welcome to the world of Flood, a soggy drama in every conceivable sense. Given the rather impressive state of computer-generated special effects, it must have seemed a good idea to resurrect the seventies disaster movie genre for television, and what better theme than the submerging of central London. And, in fairness to Flood, the effects were very, very special indeed. It was everything else that let the production down.

As the water levels rose, so did the cliches, terrible dialogue and bad acting. Indeed, the performances were all so wooden you’d think the cast could have simply floated to safety. Even Carlyle, the most dependable of actors, was atrocious. Carlyle’s London accent was just one of many totally unconvincing aspects of a film that could have achieved a level of kitsch fun if it hadn’t dragged on for an interminable four hours.

I am addicted to the latest series of The Apprentice, but can’t help but harbour some misgivings. Notably, all the candidates are more suited for a village idiot competition, with London as the village, than as potential employees of Alan Sugar’s business empire. Rather than satisfy the job brief, I suspect the producers have selected seriously stupid people who are happy to talk themselves up and then make better television when they come crashing down.

This week saw the departure of poisonous, manipulative, bully Jenny, plus the self-styled ” best salesperson in Europe (probably)” Jennifer, a double firing which reflected their team’s catastrophic failure in their given task of scouring for bargains in the Marrakech market.

Somehow Michael survived, despite displaying a level of ignorance that was truly astonishing. Charged with purchasing a kosher chicken, Michael, a Jew, thought it sufficient to have a Muslim butcher utter the blessing “Allah” over the unfortunate fowl.

Sir Alan might yet make Michael his apprentice, but should think twice before allowing him anywhere near his works’ quiz team.

DETAILS

Flood - ITV1, Sunday, May 4, 8.05pm

The Apprentice - BBC1, Wednesday, May 7, 9pm