Chit Chat - Horsing around

Published Monday 10 March 2008 at 16:30 by Tabard

It was the Olivier Awards on Sunday and this week finds the winners basking in the glory of their successes and the losers calling up their agents, demanding to know what went wrong.

If you didn’t win, don’t lose hope, let go of your agent’s lapels - you still have a chance.

Tabard would like to present the Alternative Olivier Awards (which, for legal reasons we would like to stress are in no way associated with the Olivier estate or the awards bearing the late actor’s name, nor do they carry any cash prize or statue. In fact, they are entirely worthless).

So, without further ado, our first prize - that of Winning Reaction of the Evening - goes to the South African cast of The Magic Flute, who, after learning of the success in the Best Musical Revival category, all burst into song. Hurrah.

For Best Supporting Role in a Musical, we are inclined to agree with Leslie Garrett when she remarked: “Quite clearly this should be going to Michael Ball’s underwear. Only in Hairspray, you understand, not normally.”

We would like to point out that Ball is appearing in Hairspray in rather impressive drag at the moment. We have no idea how supportive, or otherwise, his underwear is when off stage. Perhaps a clue, though, in his own acceptance speech for Best Actor in a Musical. “I was actually hoping for Best Actress,” he remarked. “Life sucks.”

The Shock of the Night Award, though, has to go to the actual winner of Best Supporting Role in a Musical - Tracie Bennett, who started her acceptance speech by explaining: “I’ll tell you why I’m really shocked - and I hate people who say, ‘I’m really shocked, I didn’t do a speech’. Last week, somebody came up to me from the [judging] panel and said, ‘Don’t worry when you don’t win Trace, we think you’re great’.

“So, if you’re in the room - fuck you.”

Frankly, we didn’t realise Tracie had such a potty mouth.

Next up is Toby Sedgwick, who won Best Choreography for his work on War Horse. Toby also picks up Tabard’s prize for Best Speech.

He began by neighing into the microphone.

“That was thank you very much in horse,” he explained. “So, anyway, I’d like to thank two horses, actually, that I used to go out and study every day when I took my dog out for a walk.

“I guess I know horses very well now,” he continued, “which is wonderful but very lonely sometimes - on your own in a field talking to a horse. But they do answer back. And you get to know what they’re saying with the twitch of the ears and tail and they’re lovely to be with. They’re not addictive, you don’t become one [he neighs again]. So that’s lucky.”

And finally, Best Revival (of an old joke) goes to Tamsin Greig, who referred back to her acceptance speech at last year’s awards (she was presenting this year). Last time out, she happily informed the assembled audience that she had wet herself, before adding “and it’s not my dress”.

This year, she started: “Well, I’ve been asked back. For anyone who is worried, this is my own dress and I’m wearing 14 pairs of pants just in case.”