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TV Review

Published Tuesday 30 May 2006 at 09:30 by Harry Venning

First, let me just say that I think it a marvellous thing that Robbie Williams should want to raise money for UNICEF.

Furthermore, his idea to recruit celebrities and international footballing legends to play a fundraising match at Old Trafford is an absolutely splendid one. I just wish they hadn’t put it on the telly.

With the nation - well, England at least - in a frenzy of anticipation over the World Cup and with celebrity participation a proven ratings winner, it probably seemed a safe bet to give several hours of television over to Soccer Aid. However, the producers overlooked one thing - watching celebrities eat live insects is entertaining. Watching them play football isn’t.

To be honest, watching professional footballers play football is usually pretty tedious and I speak as a fan. Football is 90% partisan passion and 10% objective appreciation of sporting skills. The celebrity participants of Soccer Aid can offer neither.

What we get instead is a Jim’ll Fix It for middle aged millionaires. For most football fans it would be a dream come true to be coached by Terry Venables, pass a through ball to Gianfranco Zola and test David Seaman with a shot, all in front of a crowd at Old Trafford. Who gets the opportunity? Alistair Campbell.

Back in the nineties there was a Friday late night soccer show, hosted by Danny Baker, which covered Sunday League matches from Hackney Marshes. The quality of the play was universally dismal but Baker’s affectionately scathing commentaries were extremely funny indeed. It is this element of cheerful irreverence that Soccer Aid is missing. Even hosts Ant and Dec, experienced in the art of the pomposity puncturing put down, seem intent on indulging the celebrities’ sporting delusions.

Nor is the show helped by the inclusion of former World and European Player of the Year Ruud Gullitt, as one of the coaches. He is as boring a TV presenter as he was brilliant a footballer, which is really saying something.

Imagine - Being Hamlet interviewed Princes Of Denmark, past and present, and asked what it is like for an actor to take on Shakespeare’s weightiest role. Surprisingly, for actors, the responses were astoundingly guff free.

We met present day Hamlets of various shapes, sizes, ages, colours and languages from South Africa, Wales, America and England, all struggling to understand and interpret their allotted 1,569 lines. And they all looked pretty good, especially Wayne Cater of Theatre Wales, who earlier confessed to “shitting himself” on a daily basis during rehearsals.

Past Hamlets included Jonathan Pryce, who famously “channelled” his father’s ghost in the manner of Most Haunted’s Derek Acorah, David Warner’s sixties student in a scarf, and Derek Jacobi, whose mind once emptied mid-performance, ushering in a period of debilitating stage fright that kept him from live performance for three years.

Having explored what it is like for an actor to “conquer the mountain” of playing Hamlet, perhaps Imagine should do a follow up. Alan Yentob could find out what it’s like for an audience to sit through the bloody thing.

DETAILS

Soccer Aid, ITV, 9pm, from Monday, May 22

Imagine - Being Hamlet, BBC1, 10.45pm, Tuesday, May 23

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