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Dear John

How do I combine performing with good parenting?

First published 29th June 2006

Question:
I'm a mum and a performer with a young daughter. I can't afford to stay home much longer, however I also don't want to find that, 20 years from now, my kid has written a 'mommy dearest'-type book about how I was never around. What can I do?

Answer:
Ah yes, parental guilt. How well I remember phoning home in the third week of a Edinburgh festival run (this was the pre-mobile days) to be told that my then three-year-old son was carrying my picture around the house and sobbing. It was a bit hard to claim that I was only doing all this to support the family, given that the particular show I was involved in was getting such small audiences that I suspect the promoters were also carrying my picture round and sobbing (albeit for different reasons). I'm not sure there is an easy answer to this particular query - work-life balance is becoming a major issue for parents in every profession. But given that the nature of our business makes it particularly difficult to achieve balance in any area of life, here are some words of wisdom from two people who have detailed knowledge of both parenting and the performance industry.

What the experts say:

Hilary Gish

Hilary Gish has made numerous TV appearances in shows such as The Inspector Lynley Mysteries, The Knock, London's Burning, Minder and two series of Woof!. Theatre and film work includes Loot, Whose Life is it Anyway? and Fierce Creatures. Married to the producer Michael Whitehall, Hilary has trained as a doula (of which more below) and has just been highly commended in the One In a Million Awards set up by the Recruitment and Employment Confederation.

"Juggling parenthood and performing can be a nightmare. The ideal is to have a partner who can move their work around yours so that there is always someone to care for the baby. However, if that's not possible, and there's no extra cash for part-time nannies (when is there?), see if you can get together with other performers who are parents or are in similarly on/off industries and take it in turns to care for the children, or share the cost of nannies while one of you works.

"If you are performing and earning enough to pay the bills that's marvellous but you might also consider doing what I did and using your newfound parenting skills to earn the extra money. Doulas are birth partners or post-birth partners and tend to be women who have had at least one child and have an interest in supporting new mothers. I've been a post-birth doula for seven years now and I love it. It's very suitable for performers as you can work full-time or part-time, depending on when you're available. The time frames on a job are relatively short, four to eight weeks on average.

"As all actors know, every life experience can be stored up and drawn on when a role that requires something similar pops up. In the same way working as a doula means I can now draw on the parental/performing 'juggling' tricks I've learnt in my own career to help make life easier for someone else."

Lorraine Thomas

Lorraine Thomas is the UK's leading parent coach, as featured in The Sunday Times, the Daily Mail, The Guardian, You Magazine and ITV's This Morning and GMTV. Before establishing the Parent Coaching Academy she worked for 20 years as a TV producer and is married to Jerry, a writer and broadcaster, so she is particularly familiar with the challenges of combining family life with the pressures of an ongoing media and entertainment industry career.

"I have found that the problem with the whole work-life balance idea is that it suggests that there is always going to be a tension between the two. I'm not saying that it is easy to organise your life so that everything that needs to be done gets done but the trouble with parental guilt means the things we get round to working on don't get done properly.

"Maybe you're at home with your baby but your mind is on your career and the auditions you aren't able to get to but when you do actually get to audition or even when you are in a show, there is a pretty good chance you won't be able to give it your best shot because the guilt gremlin will be constantly reminding you of the parental duties you're neglecting at home. I prefer the concept of having the best of both worlds, which means you do whatever you can to divide your time between career and being a parent and then whichever role you are playing at any given time is the one you give your full focus to.

"A good start to doing that is to focus on what is working in both roles already rather than what is not working and asking yourself how you can build on those successes. Then, don't try to reorganise your life all at once - find small specific ways in which you can make it easier for yourself to do some of those things you are feeling guilty about.

"Small positive things achieved, whether it is sending one more showreel out a week, or reading one extra bedtime story to your daughter (and you can also polish up your accents in the process) will do a lot more good for both of you than hours spent fretting and beating yourself up."

John sums up

At the best of times we are in a profession where we can feel at the mercy of circumstance and this is even more the case when it comes to being a performer and a parent. I think what Hilary and Lorraine are suggesting is that the more choices you make, the less guilty you will feel. By 'choices' I mean that every time you find yourself thinking 'I can't' or 'I must', try replacing those terms with 'I choose to' or 'I choose not to'. 'I must be there 24/7 to be a good parent' is going to leave you feeling trapped whereas 'I'm choosing to spend time with my daughter' puts you in control and helps you focus on what's good about being a parent. 'I can't miss this festival even though my kids will miss me because my career depends on it' is both a lot of pressure and sometimes an excuse. 'I'm choosing to go to this festival' encourages us to weigh up the pros and cons and to take responsibility for making whatever arrangements we need to allow us to give full focus to the choice we have made. And if we don't like the choices we are making, we can always make different ones.

* You can find out more about how to become a doula at www.britishdoulas.co.uk

* Lorraine's book The Seven Day Parent Coach is available from Vermillion. The Parent Coaching Academy's website is at www.theparentcoachingacademy.com and no nonsense advice from real parents, many of whom are performers, can be found at www.parentalk.co.uk

* Feedback/queries are welcome to dearjohn@thestage.co.uk

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