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Dear John

Abusive and controlling boyfriend

First published 19th January 2006

Question:
I am a professional dancer. I am writing to you because of one girl I have become close to on the circuit. We initially hit it off because she seemed very friendly - someone you can have a good laugh with, even in the dodgiest open auditions. But over the past few months, she has been a lot quieter and seems less happy. Just before Christmas, I grabbed the bull by the horns, found a corner of the changing rooms and asked her what was up.

She broke down and confided in me that she had 'man troubles'. She told me her partner - who is also her agent and manager - is prone to fits of jealously and is becoming very controlling, only allowing her out of the house to perform. If she is late back from a gig or doesn't answer her mobile - even when she is onstage - things get, as she put it 'very difficult' at home.

I spotted some very nasty marks on her arms and chest while she was changing, which she said were a result of a recent dance injury. I've had my fair share of dance injuries and none of them looked like that.

As it turns out, we both got into the last show we went up for and we had our first rehearsal this week. I was waiting for a chance to see how things were going with her but when I raised the matter ever so gently, she snapped at me and told me it was none of my business and that she'd been joking before. I'm not so sure - I spotted several patches of body make-up, which seemed to be covering fresh marks.

Her partner drops her and picks her up from rehearsals every day and I don't want to get her into further trouble. I can't really talk to anyone in the show for the same reason. However, I know from the backstage gossip that several of the others think he is bad news too and she may not be the first person he's roughed up. Maybe I am just a busybody but it really doesn't feel right to do nothing. I once had a boyfriend who hit me and as soon as he did I was out of there. I think she should be doing the same. But how can I help someone who doesn't seem to want help? What do you suggest?
Name and address supplied.

Answer:
From your report of the situation, it seems to me you are quite right to be concerned. I thought I would run your dilemma past Barbara Gorna, a writer and filmmaker, whose film on domestic violence, Silent Voices, was broadcast twice last year and has been shortlisted for the LA Film Festival. Barbara has also been involved in supporting and lobbying for the rights of women who find themselves in violent relationships.

Here is some of what she told me: "Women do change and become quieter if they are being bullied but often deny anything is wrong with the relationship. After all, this is a guy they fell in love with and many of us, male and female, feel that given time, we can change our partners. It doesn't usually happen that way and for some people, the results can be more than just a broken heart."

It is never acceptable to bully someone in a relationship, let alone assault them - that also applies if the victim is male. As far as I'm concerned, you did the right thing by dumping the guy you were with. On the other hand, Barbara points out that we shouldn't be too quick to judge someone for staying in a relationship which looks like a bad one.

For instance, does she live with him? She may not have anywhere else to go. Are there children involved? If so, it is quite hard for her just to up sticks and leave. If you do suggest she leaves, are you prepared to help her? Can you offer her a bed for a night or two?

Barbara suggests offering and saying that your offer is open, rather than pressuring too much.

"Even give her a key, if you know her well enough. She needs to know that she has somewhere to run, somewhere safe. The other thing you might do is pin a leaflet from Women's Aid or Refuge on the notice board - both list the 24-hour helpline 0808 2000 247 - so she can get in touch with a counsellor. Again, you're leaving the choice up to her," says Barbara.

"But most importantly, be her friend and keep asking if she is okay. Don't stop even if she gets annoyed. Be gentle and kind. One day her life may depend on it."