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Dear John

Over-encouragement from a pushy mum?

First published 31st December 2004

Question:
I have seen a couple of enquiries in your column and on the website from stage parents, or rather from parents who want to get their kids into the business and don't want to be typical stage parents.

I am almost the opposite. I have been involved in both musical theatre and the recording industry for several years. I have even had my face on a few posters and CD covers so I suppose I am reasonably well known for what I do. I think my kids are happy with what I do too.

Here is my dilemma. They are both in the same school where the staff are quite big on music and drama. Unfortunately, with the best will in the world and trying hard to take off my professional/critical hat, I have to say the standard of most of the productions is pretty low.

The school choir in particular is about as far off key as it is possible to go and the music repertoire is of a type even my grandmother would have been bored with.

Now my daughter is putting me under pressure to get involved in the shows to see if I can sort things out. In fact she has already promised her friends I will and told her teacher I am going to call. My son on the other hand thinks it is a terrible idea. He is a lot shyer then his sister and he has already had hassle from his classmates when I have been on TV shows. Mum getting involved in the school choir is probably his worst nightmare. I really don't want to be seen steaming in as the arrogant diva who thinks she knows it all... equally I don't want to be thought too important to get involved in my kid's education. I am a single parent and most of my friends in the business don't have kids so I am not exactly in my area of expertise here. Can you help?

Answer:
Anyone who has been following Ozzy Osbourne's TV adventures over the past few years can confirm that while sex, drugs and rock'n'roll may do your brain in, the challenges of parenting can do it a lot faster, no matter what branch of showbusiness you're in and that's with two parents involved.

I am sure this particular dilemma isn't the most pressing one you have faced as a single parent but as a parent myself I fully understand that what can seem like a pretty trivial issue to others can be huge for kids, which places great pressure on you to apply parental wisdom. I don't know about you but I am still waiting for my lifetime supply of parental wisdom to arrive in the post and I am beginning to suspect that, like the so-called 'X-factor' in showbusiness, it is a myth. If that is the case all we have left to fall back on is parental experience, which, also like showbusiness success, is a process of trial and error, with the emphasis on error.

The Mommie Dearest self-obsessed performing parent is as much a cliche as the Mrs Worthington types who live their ambitions through their kids. For most of us, parenting is like our other areas of performance - trying to put on a good show for the public, while desperately winging it backstage. And for most of us, being supportive parents is easier if we have support ourselves. If that is not available in your circle of friends try www.parentalk.co.uk, where there are a whole range of useful resources.

As far as getting involved in the school productions is concerned, it seems your daughter just wants them to be better. It doesn't need to be you personally who gets involved. Instead you could encourage your kids' teacher to check out sites like www.cleverclogsmusic.com, where professional performers specialise in providing up to the minute workshops and tracks to support school music departments. You mentioned that your son "has had hassle from his classmates'' about your TV work. This may be all in good fun but it could also be bullying, which can affect both children of performers and children who perform and is unacceptable in either case. Kidscape at www.kidscape.org.uk has lots of useful resources which neither trivialise or overdramatise bullying. Hope all of that support - and the soon to be improved school choir! - soothes your parental worries a little.