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Dear John

Seasoned performer lacks confidence

First published 9th September 2004

Question:
I suppose I am what you would call a seasoned performer. I have certainly long since past my juvenile lead days. But while I am full of confidence onstage - I have even played panto villians - I have very little confidence in real life. I find auditions easy but first dates very hard - I tend to jabber like a fool.

Talking to 200 kids at a show comes naturally but talking to my own grown-up child is a nightmare. Silence, silence and more silence. More to the point, I am sure I would get better parts if I could sell myself better in business meetings. Can you help?

Answer:
It might be some consolation to know that the 'confident onstage/shy offstage' performer is a very common phenomenon, so you are not unusual. Rita Hamill is an actress and life coach who works on confidence building for everything from public speaking to social skills and dating. Here is her advice: "People who exude confidence (offstage) are those who have a healthy appreciation of themselves, their skills and their talents. They have high levels of self-worth and self-belief.

"Self-belief, then, is the degree to which you believe you are worthy and deserving of what it is you want to achieve, be that a loving relationship or your ideal job. What you need to do now to convert that onstage confidence to your personal life is collect the evidence that you already are the confident relaxed person you strive to be and, if talking to 200 kids at a show comes naturally to you, collecting the evidence shouldn't really be that difficult - there is nothing like children to bring out the real you. Make a list right now entitled '20 Reasons Why I Am Already a Confident Person'. Keep your list with you, add to it and read it when you need a quick confidence boost.

"Apply what you have learned as an actor attending auditions to the dating scene or indeed any other social setting where you want to make a good first impression. As an actor myself, I always apply simple acting techniques such as breathing exercises and voice exercises when I am about to enter a potentially intimidating situation. Use your experience as an actor to hold your body in a more confident manner. Act the part of a confident person as though you were taking on a role. Make sure you are carrying very high-quality thoughts about yourself if entering a difficult situation. Think of someone you admire who exudes confidence - fine tune their confident traits in yourself."

One last word from Rita on jabbering:
"In my experience it is a classic sign of nervousness, which is a result of being unprepared. Would you attend an audition unprepared? If in doubt, slow down, breathe, think before you speak and don't be afraid of silence."

So do not stay silent - try out these tips and let Dear John know how you get on!