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Dear John

Double act disintegration

Question:
I am one half of a performing team - or at least I was until last year. We have been together for about five years but our last show together didn't do very well. I assumed that we would regroup and start again but in fact I haven't heard from my partner since. I have tried making contact by various means but the response hasn't been very positive. Not only that but it seems like my 'other half' is moving ahead with their own career while I am feeling betrayed, hurt and resentful, which is not making it any easier to focus on my own work.

I am not a confrontational person but I don't like bad feeling either. I genuinely tried to make our act work and I feel I am being treated very unfairly. At this point I am not sure we could ever work together again but surely things don't have to end this badly. It's not like we were married but it is certainly feeling like a very painful divorce. How can I make things better and move on?

Answer:
You have certainly hit the nail on the head when it comes to the similarity of showbusiness partnerships to marriages. Especially when it comes to the "for better or for worse" aspect. And just like marriages, the closeness and rapport that makes a double act work can rapidly turn to acrimony and bitterness when things go downhill. Sometimes, as seems to be the case here, when the act appears not to be working, one or the other partner bails out. Sometimes both performers develop in different directions and sometimes one half of the act just gets more popular than the other half. Showbusiness rifts and reconciliations are as much a part of legend as the acts that spawned them. It is not unknown, either, for double acts which still exist not to speak to each other except when onstage.

You ask how to make things better and move on. I would have to say that is two separate tasks rather than one. If you have done your best to heal the rift and your efforts aren't appreciated, there is probably not a lot you can do to change the other person's mind. What you can do is make up your own mind to forgive, even if you feel you are the injured party. And not just for moral reasons - as you have already noted, hanging on to hurts or resentments doesn't pay your rent or advance your career one jot. Forgiveness isn't something you do because the other person says sorry. Forgiveness is a choice that you can make immediately just as you would make the choice to go onstage and be entertaining, whether or not it's something you naturally feel like doing. More importantly, forgiveness is a choice to focus on what is ahead in your career rather then what has gone wrong in the past. It is a choice your ex-partner will eventually have to make too. I hope there is a reconciliation in the near future for both of you but either way, I wish you success in your individual careers.