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Dear John

Career is coming before personal life

Question:
I am not sure if the Dear John column is just for career advice, in which case this query may not be appropriate because my career is going reasonably well. The truth of the matter is, I am lonely. I know it is a big showbusiness cliche but I really am sick of working to make everyone else feel good and then going home to be on my own.

I have had a couple of serious relationships down through the years, with both performers and people who were not in the business but career has always got in the way. I have never been interested in the kind of casual flings that go on during tours but I am not sure my confidence or energy is high enough any more to start dating all over again. I suppose my question is do you think it is possible to have a successful showbusiness career and a successful relationship too? And if you do could you please tell me the secret?

Answer:
If you check out our growing archive of Dear John Q&As on the new Stage website, you will see that we get almost as many personal and relationship queries as we do career ones. I can understand the reasons why you would not want your name printed but there is certainly no need to feel ashamed or unique because you are feeling lonely. It is one of the most common challenges performers face.

As that great self-help counsellor Nat 'King' Cole sang: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" - and that basic desire is at the root of virtually every goal we aim for on the personal or professional front. The only problem is, if we are working hard to achieve a career goal, say a hit record or our name above the title of a show and our real agenda is we think achieving that goal will make us feel more loved, unfortunately it won't. It seems like that is something you have already discovered for yourself.

I would have to say that the same applies to relationships - if we are looking for the perfect partner who will make us love ourselves, that is too much pressure to put on anyone. Most of us in showbusiness start out with big dreams of success but by the law of averages not all of us can achieve superstardom. So we learn to enjoy and be grateful for the opportunities we do get, while holding on to the hope of the big break - and hopefully continuing to hone our skills so we are ready for it.

The same approach works in relationships. There are no perfect people so we need to be open to getting to know as many as we can without the pressure of each potential partner having to be 'the one' from the beginning. And we need to practise valuing ourselves so that when we do meet some one we want a deeper relationship with, we have some love to give as well as to get.

Just as with our onstage performance and offstage career plan, if we do what we have always done in the dating game, we will get what we have always got. Use your perfoming skills to play the role of your ideal partner. Where do they hang out? How do they make friendships? Use the information you discover to see if you need to change your own dating strategy. I know applying 'strategy' to dating sounds very unromantic but it often works.

I wish you happiness, continued success and lots of Nat 'King' Cole moments.