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Dear John

Public profile is causing problems

First published 26th February 2004

Question:
This isn't really a career question but I need guidance from somewhere. My partner had a fairly successful TV career some years ago but although he is still very good at what he does, he is not so high profile now. On the other hand my own career is starting to take off, in the sense that I'm getting a lot more TV work than I used to. Even though he is genuinely happy for me and supportive of my work I know it causes problems when we're out in public and I am now getting recognised in the way he once used to. I can see how it must be galling when he is struggling in his own career. Although he tries to be gracious, some of his comments don't exactly help my self-esteem. I love him for who he is and I don't want to lose him but I also don't think it is fair that I should hold back my own career to make him feel better, particularly as I'm the main breadwinner.

Answer:
In many years of one to one showbusiness career coaching, one thing I've discovered is that most of what holds us back is usually neither career or even showbusiness orientated but the basic self-esteem and relationship issues that affect everybody. It may be worth considering whether the cracks in your relationship were preexisting and the disparity in your levels of fame isn't so much the cause of them but just the thing that's bringing them to the surface.

If this is the case, then you can either view the current unhappiness as an obstacle to your own career growth or as a chance to address the core issues before they get any worse. If you choose the latter option you may want to take some time out - preferably somewhere where neither of you will be recognised and that suits both your budgets - to talk to and listen to each other. Listening is very important, it is something many of us in the performance field could get a lot better at. If this isn't possible, or even if it is and brings up some issues you want to address further, confidential counselling with Relate or similar organisations may be helpful. Hope you work it out and best wishes with both your careers.